Home is not a place. It is a feeling

Words from the creator

Anna-Maria Weinhold

When we are home, we feel safe.

Really?

I didn’t feel safe when I was home as a child. Because home is not a place. It is so much more than that.

Home is a sensation, a connection, an emotion, a state of mind and a sanctuary for our soul to belong, to love and to be loved. It is where we find rest, feel seen and heard, where our emotions meet understanding and are accepted the way we are.

This provides us with the feeling of being safe which is the essence we need to flourish, to thrive, to become whole. Because first we seek safety, then all those other things. Our essence – our home – is shaped by actions and reactions of people.

We feel home with people who we feel happy and safe with. In an environment where is no fear, no pressure, no expectations, no control, no manipulation and no walking-on-eggshells. Where true love, care and healthy communication run the relationship. If this is given, we live in healthy relationships.

On the other spectrum we are confronted with unhealthy, toxic and emotionally abusive relationships in which control, manipulation and deceptions are repeated behaviours and patterns that compound over time. They lead to constant stress, confusion, unsafety, pain and crazyness. They slowly disintegrate one’s self-worth and self-esteem.

And as children we are especially sensitive to this, because our brains and bodies are just developing.

„Imagine you're walking in the forest and you see a bear. Immediately, your hypothalamus sends a signal to your pituitary, which sends a signal to your adrenal gland that says, "Release stress hormones! Adrenaline! Cortisol!" And so your heart starts to pound, your pupils dilate, your airways open up, and you are ready to either fight that bear or run from the bear. And that is wonderful if you're in a forest and there's a bear. But the problem is what happens when the bear comes home every night, and this system is activated over and over and over again, and it goes from being adaptive, or life-saving, to maladaptive, or health-damaging. Children are especially sensitive to this repeated stress activation, because their brains and bodies are just developing. High doses of adversity not only affect brain structure and function, they affect the developing immune system, developing hormonal systems, and even the way our DNA is read and transcribed.“ (Nadine Burke Harris)

When our worldview and personhood were informed by an emotionally abusive upbringing, we experience difficulties in navigating life in adulthood. For me it’s important to note that parents who behave in an emotionally abusive way with their children, often grew up in an emotionally abusive environment. Often, we unknowingly repeat the process and turn our whole children into half person adults.

A cycle that we can be break.

With awareness, understanding and empathy on both sides.

No one is to blame or to be guilt-tripped. No one likes to be controlled or manipulated. No one is to be called a toxic, awful or bad person. It is about taking responsibility which doesn’t mean blaming others or yourself. We are human beings who seek to find our home which lives in all of us. A home where we belong, give and receive love, feel safe, are most alive. Even if it is in solitude.

It requires learning effort and healing on both sides to bring the best version of ourselves into the world. When we receive unhealthy, toxic and emotionally abusive behaviour, we can learn what emotionally abusive behavior is and how it works so we can make informed decisions. When we behave unhealthy, toxic and emotionally abusive, we can learn about it and honor our boundaries by realizing the only person we can change is ourselves.

No matter which side of the fence we are on, we can get through this. There is healing and a path to freedom from abuse. And we deserve to be on that path.

I was scared

She was my close friend and we lived together. In the beginning, everything seemed fine — we laughed, shared things, and supported each other. But slowly, our relationship changed.

I wanted to be home but I didn’t want to go back to my place. I was anxious all the time, afraid of how she would react to even the smallest thing. I kept trying to keep the peace but the situation only grew more aggressive and manipulative.

One day, everything exploded. She started screaming and accusing me of things I didn’t do. Then she hit me. She punched, kicked, and locked me in my room, taking my phone so I couldn’t call for help.

I remember shaking, crying, and begging for it to stop. She threatened me with a knife...I realized I was in real danger.

I ended up in the hospital with bruises all over my body and stitches on my skin. The physical pain eventually healed, but the emotional scars took much longer. The fear, the shock, the feeling of betrayal — those stayed with me for a long time.

After that, I went to the police and reported everything. It was one of the hardest but most empowering things I’ve ever done.

I am surviving

I have qualifications, experience, years of proving myself, yet I could’t hold on to anything. At times I lived on scraps of income, watching my life shrink into something I barely recognized.

Can’t I ever do anything right?

In my life I moved from the edge of an episode straight into the edge of losing everything. One moment I was trying to hold myself together, and the next I was being pushed out, fired or dismissed.

I keep telling myself to stay calm, to be reasonable and to not make things worse. I keep trying, even when trying feels like dragging myself through fog.

I keep showing up, even when the world had already decided I was disposable.

But.

The truth is: I am breaking while pretending to be fine.

Instead of expressing my feelings in situations that break me, I swallow, turn it into logic, smooth it over with explanations and calm words. I hold the fire that is burning inside me instead of letting it spill out of me.

But then.

At times when I don’t have the energy to fight it all - the anxiety, the tension, the fear, the insecurity, the guilt and the shame – I break and I try to survive.

In my life I survived versions of myself that felt impossible to hold. And yes, the survival has given me a quiet, unshakeable strength, however, I continue living in this strange space where everything feels too much, too complicated to hold.

Yet I keep holding it anyway.

I realised

I felt strange when I woke up that morning. Why did I feel so off? It was my daughter‘s 3rd birthday. Yay, something to celebrate, right? A thought popped up. I tried to push it away because I felt stupid for it:

My daugther is turning 3 today, I am 35. My mum was 35 when she died and I was 3. Oh, it felt so weird. And I am not into such number games or anything like that. In that year a lot changed in my life.

Because.

I decided to see a therapist. But me going to therapy? Pff. I was used to be so against it. I thought I didn’t need therapy. However, deep inside me, I knew that I didn’t want to see a therapist because I was afraid of what I will discover. Something I didn’t admit because I wasn’t afraid of anything.

At the end of my first session – I was really nervouse – my therapist said „I see that you are afraid.“ I froze. And my very high walls fell. There was someone who saw me without judgment but with open eyes. And this time, I didn’t run away.

So I admitted to myself.

I am afraid of losing. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of not being wanted. I am afraid of being judged. I am afraid of being a disappointment. I am afraid of being pushed away. I am afraid of being criticised…

I opened up.

Slowly.

I don’t remember much from my childhood. I always wondered why. I think my brain successfully buried everything that was hurtful. After my mum passed away, we moved into a beautiful, huge house with a big garden. Every summer my dad and I travelled the world: Australia, Malaysia, USA, Greece, Spain, Portugal, Canada...

Wow!

What an amazing life. My school friends were jealous. And my dad was my hero and I thought he was cool. Because of him, I saw rainforests, savannas, people with dark skin, koalas, kiwis, and so so so much more. And I thought that I enjoyed quite a free life and I had nothing to complain about.

However, I often had the feeling that I wasn‘t quite „right“, something was wrong with me.

I had those dark episodes when I only wanted to disappear, to run away, to go home, when I felt lost within myself. When I sat at my window, smoking a faq, music on, feeling off. Some things were a mystery to me. Like when I was out with friends, and I had to go back home, something moved, something shifted, something happened inside me. I didn’t know why.

Later in life, I realised that I my body reacted like that because I didn’t want to go home to my dad. I truly didn’t know why and what it was at that time. At times, I had massive breakdowns. Something little happened, I cried and cried as if someone had died. It felt so crazy to me. Deep inside me, I think I knew why, but I thought no one would understand. I was so lost with how I felt.

I am waiting

She won’t let go.

I am growing up, and I am starting to have my own life. And my mum calls me multiple times a day. Sometimes, I don’t pick up. I put off calling her back as long as I can. It hurts her feelings, and I can’t stop feeling guilty.

I just feel like she behaves clingy, overbearing, controlling and needy. Or is it me?

I am dying to say something like that I want more time for myself and some breathing room, but I am paralyzed with fear that she will take what I have to say as a rejection of her. I swallow my anger and say nothing, but my resentment grows and grows.

I thought she would respect me as a peer, as I am becoming an adult. I believed she would let me, so I can live my own life. I am waiting for the permission to become an adult. I am waiting, waiting and waiting. Is it too much to ask to make my own decisions?

Am I wrong in thinking she acts controlling and overbearing?

When I look back, it is a dynamic that has been there all along, throughout my development. I just didn’t see it. I thought she behaved like that out of care. It was normal for me. But maybe our dynamic was a cause for how I often felt. Maybe it explains the feeling that I can’t do it right.

Maybe this explains all my emotional breakdowns, my suffering, my pain, my feeling of not knowing how I am supposed to be, the feeling that I can’t be myself. Maybe this explains the feeling of not being good enough, and never will be.

I was stuck in the role of being a good daughter, but I think that I took it on for her. I think this has led to my misery and trapped me in an unhealthy position: I was taking on Mom’s needs instead of becoming my own person.

All my life, she offered suggestions and advice, although I didn‘t ask for it. She questions my decisions constantly by simply asking me if I am sure about it. I felt a lot of pressure and high expectations at home.

When I tried to set boundaries, she became defensive and said stuff like „Well, I guess I’m just a horrible mother!” I was afraid that whatever I said, she would take it as a rejection of her. But now, when I think about it, I start to see how clingy and needy she behaved all my life. I just couldn’t see it when I was a child.

I knew that I was afraid of disappointing her or leaving her or not seeing her on my birthday or not making her a massive card for Mother’s Day. I would rather take her advice than speak up because I felt like I would pay double if I spoke my mind. It was easier to let her have it her way.

When I was a child, I thought she was sure of herself. But she wasn’t what she seemed like. In reality, she wanted to hold me back, appropriate me because of her insecurities. And yes, I think that she hasn’t realised yet or understands the unconscious forces that drove her behaviour.

I lost my temper

I got woken up.

Again!

I tried to go back to sleep, but she left the door open, went to the bathroom, and left the door open there too.

BANG BANG BANG!!!

I didn‘t complain. She came back through. Our son woke up, and we all cuddled. She left and came back with her tea. She sat down and then went on her phone. I felt so ignored. And what with everything else, it got my back up. The fact that she woke me up and then sat with me to ignore me on her phone…

I lost it with her, and when I was walking through the house, I kicked her bag by the door, half of it went into the cat litter tray, so I put the rest of it in a pile there. When she bent over in the hallway to pick her stuff up, I managed to hit her with my knee on her ass, which made her fall headfirst into the drawers. I wasn‘t sorry for it. To her, I got mad because I didn‘t get what I wanted.

Again. She didn't understand.

In our relationship, we had moments of happiness, but maybe it was like that due to my own doing. I questioned because I also felt so ignored and lost on a daily base and it just felt like I‘m the problem. I was wrong for feeling bad. I was wrong for feeling tired and wanting to sleep. I was wrong for wanting to spend time with my best friend. I was wrong for wanting to be fit and play football. I was wrong to ask for acknowledgement.

I asked myself all over again.

Am I stupid? Am I getting upset or angry over nothing? Am I asking too much, or is what I feel normal?

Is it too much to ask her to acknowledge me rather than being on her phone? Is it too much to ask for a couple of minutes?

I don‘t regret settling down young and can’t say I regret being with her, but I did feel like I was constantly missing something, and I couldn‘t explain or comprehend what it was. At some point in our relationship, I was so rejected by her that I couldn‘t even put a hand on her leg as she felt so horrible about herself, her looks, her weight, etc. She has said I made her skin crawl by touching her.

I don‘t need people to like me, but after being pushed away by her, I felt so horrible. I don‘t even know how to write it. It made me feel like I was the problem and I wasn‘t attractive, and I felt lost and alone. I wanted to feel like I was attractive or even likeable. I‘ve persevered and tried and tried to get her to feel good about herself, and I have forgotten about myself.

I started to wonder if I should stick with her. However, I felt like I would be lost if I left, as it was all over known for 14 years, and that was scary.

Life sucked. I wished I didn‘t exist.

I honestly didn‘t know what to do anymore. I hated the way she sometimes reacted, and I didn‘t want to deal with her when she behaved in such a horrible way.

I am healing

For a long time, I lived in the quiet aftermath of emotional neglect, criticism, and the constant feeling of being wrong for simply existing.

Those experiences shaped me, but they no longer define me. Today, I choose to stand in the space between who I was and who I am becoming; with clarity, dignity, and a kind of strength that can only form after something inside you has cracked open. For most of my life, I was told, in a thousand subtle and not-so-subtle ways, that I was too much.

Too emotional.

Too intense.

Too loud.

Too sensitive.

Too chaotic.

Too dreamy.

Too reactive.

Too full of feelings that made other people uncomfortable. Those words became weapons. They made me believe that my way of being in the world was a flaw, not a language.

When I was overwhelmed or dysregulated, I was not soothed. I was corrected, dismissed, punished, or pushed away. Not only in childhood, but in adulthood too. The message was consistent: my nervous system was inconvenient, my feelings were excessive, my way of being was unacceptable. Over time, that makes you feel like your very existence is a problem that needs fixing.

So I built walls.

At first they were for survival. Now they are something gentler, a sanctuary where I can regulate, feel, protect my energy, and exist without being shamed for it. Still, even a sanctuary can feel lonely at times. Healing, for me, has been learning that I was never too much. I was simply never met with the safety I needed.

I believe in the beauty that can grow from healing. I believe in reclaiming identity, in speaking the truths we were taught to silence, and in transforming the shadows of our past into something meaningful. For me, this is not about revisiting pain; it’s about honouring the woman who walked through it and giving shape to the resilience that followed.

I woke up

When my wife wanted to split up, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It would hit most people that way, of course, but this was especially painful because, in that moment, I realized my entire life was a series of failed relationships that each ended with my partner leaving me.

Every relationship I got into started off great, but over time, my partners would become distant and eventually break it off with me.

I asked myself what was causing my partners to leave me all the time. Something happened then, something that never happened before. In the first time in my life I asked myself „What was I doing to them?“

After so many years of pointing at other people as the cause of all my problems, I made the choice to search someplace I never had before: Inside myself. I was convinced the cause of all my relationship challenges was in them, not me. I believed if they were upset at me about something I said or did, it was just their inability to acknowledge the flaws I saw in them. I “knew” I was right and that they needed to fix themselves.

I was looking outside myself for the answers to my relationship problems all those years. However, when my last wife moved out, I started to wonder how I kept messing up all of my relationships. A thought came to me that changed everything. It was a realization that made my current and past relationship mistakes crystal clear and started my journey of healing:

If I’m so upset by the way my partner behaves, then why don’t I just honor myself and leave?

That may not sound so profound when you read it here, but in that moment, it was a revelation. I understood: I was committed to my relationships no matter what. Even if that meant I had to control their behavior. The primary goal for every relationship I’ve ever been in was to keep the relationship at any cost, and I did everything in my power to make sure they didn’t leave me.

It was the first time I chose to consider her emotional well-being. I realised my behaviour was actually hurting my wife. I never got that before!

I never empathized with her or any of the people I’ve hurt over the years. I only acted selfishly. It didn’t matter to me what she wanted in those moments. The only person’s thoughts, feelings, and emotions that mattered to me were mine. At other times, I’d be caring and loving and my empathy was fully active. But if I didn’t like something she was doing, I turned off the empathy and pulled out my emotional daggers.

I was finally starting to understand the pain I was causing her and also realizing what I’d done to her and every partner before her as well. For the first time, I put myself in her shoes and “tried on” my own behavior against myself.

I asked myself, “If she were judging me, giving me disapproving looks, commenting on what I ate or how much I exercised, or withdrawing love and attention from me, how would that make me feel?” After a few minutes of visualizing what this would be like, I felt like throwing up. For the first time, I accessed the pain that I was inflicting on her and all my partners throughout life.

I felt awful. ‘Trying on’ being the victim of my own behavior, I felt unloved, unworthy, and unimportant to the one person who was supposed to love me the most and make me feel on top of the world. It was a horrible and lonely feeling, and I finally understood how I made the people I was supposed to love feel.

I realised I was controlling and manipulative with every woman in my life and my behaviour was driven by my lack of boundaries. What do personal boundaries have to do with being emotionally abusive toward someone else? I carried around the fear of expressing myself or letting people know what behavior was acceptable and what wasn’t.

I hated confrontation and didn’t want to be truthful with others because of my fear of the consequences. And when you don’t have boundaries, you may choose to manipulate those around you instead. If you’re good at making others do what you want, you don’t even need boundaries! That was exactly what I did. Without the need for boundaries, I manipulated the people I loved to satisfy my wants and needs.

How did I made other people do what I wanted?

I wasn’t always awful. I was supportive and emotionally connected, liked to laugh, and encouraged my partners to follow their path in life. However, if they did something I didn’t want or accept for my life or what I wanted in a relationship, that’s when my alter ego showed its ugly face. I acted highly judgmental towards my partners whenever they did something I didn’t agree with.

I would withdraw my emotions if I didn’t get what I wanted. I would craft my language in a way that made them feel guilty about themselves. For example if she wanted to eat junk food or get a tattoo, and I had a problem with those things (which I did back then), I would make her feel bad so that she would conform to the way I wanted her to be.

I am different. Am I really?

Throughout my life, I got bullied for the way I was, for the things I was interested in and for the way I looked. For most people I was nerdy, weird and different which is why people made fun of me, isolated me and ignored me.

I hated being me.

Being treated like that, deteriorated my self-confidence, made me think something is wrong with me and everything hates me. I was scared and worried constantly.

I know now that people who bully experienced themselves being bullied by their family: They were hurting and bullying others helped them to cover their own insecurities and pain. However, these past experiences shaped me. I learned to be noticeable, not to share my desires, my needs and wants.

I became self-reliant. I‘ve learned to solve my problems on my own instead of asking for help. This way I can hide my weaknesses, so no one can exploit. I rather spend time alone and face loneliness than socialise.

But there is more. Ready to be shocked?

I love wearing women’s clothes and heels. I can‘t help but feel uplifted when I wear them, like they put me on an entirely different plane of existence. And, no, I am not gay.

I also enjoy being tied up, submissive and powerless. It gives me sensational pleasure. Shocked?

Do you think that is weird? You might even feel disgusted by it. Nothing new to me. Most people feel mortally ashamed, think it is weird and something is wrong with me. It disgusts, worries or frightens them.

Isn‘t that weird?

Is there anything wrong with me because my desire is not aligned with society‘s norms? No. Not at all.

Due to society’s norms and judgement, we hide, feel trapped, confused, ashamed and lonely. Our soul wanders being confronted with a shattered inner world, looking for acceptance, belonging and liberation.

Society‘s norms are not natural, but cultural. They are cultural rules, explicitly imposed on children, with a variety of arguments. And when arguments fail, with threats and cruelty.

This enforcement is so thorough and uncompromising that most people just give in. The foundation of our social relations is that every thought and feeling is policed towards conformity, until we are so old or infirm we can be disreagarded.

Women learn to manage around the daily humiliations of being second class citizens. Men double down on hollowing themselves out as they learn that emotions other than pride and anger are a dangerous vulnerability.

For those whose painful compliance eventually morphs into pursuit of various idealizations of adult man and woman, the prize is increased social status, career opportunity, and inclusion.

The downside is that we are role-playing, not living from our wholeneness. And if we become parents, we repeat the process and turn our whole children into half person adults.

Whole people are amazing - kind, thoughtful, considerate, communicative.

We create

When we grow up with blame, guilt, manipulation, control, neglect, constant critiscime, inconsistent discipline, enmeshment and lack of boundaries in our childhood, then we won’t be able to form healthy relationships with ourselves, with others, or with our own children.

I really struggle with relationships, both romantic and friends. I don’t trust anyone, and I constantly worry about being betrayed, abandoned, rejected or cheated on.

We also may struggle with:

• Difficulties regulation our emotions, particularly anger and frustration.
• Difficulties with being an authority figure.
• Forming healthy bonds.
• Being overprotective or overcompensating.
• Victim mentality behaviours.
• Parentification.
• Re-traumatization.
• Immense fear of repeating the cycle.

I didn’t have kids. Probably the number one reason I didn’t have kids. Huge fear I’d do to them what was done to me. I marvel at how much my friends actually like and even love their kids — and it shows. I never had that connection to my parents or parental figures.

If we experienced these dysfunctional, unhealthy, abusive patterns in our family, we are more likely to repeat these patterns, even unknowingly, in our relationships. It is a pattern driven by subconsciously forces and our insecurities.

Some of us become aware of how we have been treated and what damage it has caused.

I shut down. From people who want to be close with me. Growing up, my mom would be super close to me but when she was stressed she took it out on me and then would apologize and buy my love to be close with me again. This was and still is a cycle. So now when people want to be close with me, I shut down because I don’t want to experience what I went through with my mom again with my friends.

Even with being aware of our past, we may still show emotionally abusive behaviour, and if it is not others, it is us who we abuse.

I’m mentally abusive to myself. I constantly degrade myself because I hate myself.

Some of us are not aware of our personal traits that have been created throughout our childhood. In that case, we create our own narratives, our own reality which we use to justify our behaviour.

We may take the role on of an overbearring, controlling, overprotective, angry and unpredictable parent, partner, friend or work colleague. But outside of those relationships, we unknowingly reinforce this distorted reality.

Stressful situations, that make us feel helpless, will evoke many of the manifestations of our trauma history and the coping skills we had to learn in order to navigate those experiences. And then. We feel the need for control and we show emotionally abusive behaviour towards others, unknowingly.

We are unable to realize or believe we are doing anything wrong or to see our behavior as problematic. Instead, we project our negative traits onto the other person. And then.

We play the victim and the other one becomes the one who is abusing. And this goes on and repeats in our relationships we have throughout our adulthood till we wake up, realise and admit.

This is the point when we start to see our behaviour pattern. A moment that changes everything. It is the point when we stop trying to change the others, pointing at others, blaming, guilt-tripping, gaslighting, making others responsible for our problems. It is the point when we start thinking about our own doing and searching inside ourselves.

This is the moment when we take responsibility. This is the moment when we start to work on ourselves, when we heal and learn how to communicate healthy:

• We use I statements and express feelings without blaming others.
• We name, identify and specify emotions.
• We validate a person’s emotions and those of others without judgment.
• We communicate respectfully, without shaming, blaming or threatening.
• We respect other opinions.
• We take responsibility for mistakes with sincere apologies.
• We set boundaries.
• We celebrate achievemets and express gratitude.

And this will lead to healthy relationships.